Social media used to be a place where I explored my creativity. A home for my experiments and unfiltered thoughts. In 2017 I turned to instagram when in some ways, I felt like I had no one else to talk to. No, no don’t feel sad for me. Of course, I had friends and family. But, something was brewing inside of me that I couldn’t quite understand. It felt too vulnerable and raw, not ready to be shared with the people in my life.
As I’ve started to lean on Instagram more heavily for my business, it started losing its magic. Which is fine, it’s easy to hate on social media for allll the things. HOWEVER, the part that’s been bugging me is that there are parts of me, that I realize I have not shared on here. Mostly around spirituality and my more “radical” beliefs. I can talk business and share my stories all day long. To speak on more nuanced topics gives me a ton of anxiety. I’m afraid to say the wrong thing.
I often feel intimidated by words. I think it comes from the trauma of learning a new language at the age of ten. Learning a new language is messy, and to have to do with an audience of monolingual kids, was brutal. And despite the fact that I’m bilingual, the fear of saying the wrong thing haunts me.
I’ve made a commitment to write every day in December. Something small, a little story, a thought. And to post it in this blog. I’ll share some of it over on instagram, but I’m mostly writing for myself. I’m forgiving my future-self who might use the wrong words or write awkward sentences. I’m extending myself grace to explore and see what comes out.
xo,
pamela
ps. one time in fifth grade, we made valentines for a retirement home. The instructions said to “create a valentine, and add a phrase about love and some hearts”. The only English phrase I could think of was “You are breaking my heart”. I had no idea what it meant, but it seemed to fit the requirements. I decorated it all cute (With bubble letters, duh) and was heartbroken when my teacher told me it was innappropiate. 🙁